


Take a chance (on me)

by mkhhhx



Series: HyungHyuk Bingo S2018 [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Break Up, Flashbacks, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, HyungHyuk Bingo, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 07:28:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mkhhhx/pseuds/mkhhhx
Summary: Time slips by Hyungwon's fingers, just like sand in an hourglass and with every passing day he loses a part of himself too.





	Take a chance (on me)

**Author's Note:**

> My first entry for the "Ex-lovers" square of the HyungHyuk Bingo.

Hyungwon exits the convenience store, pockets the small white box after fishing a cigarette and walks towards his apartment slowly. It’s too late for buses and already drizzling.

Maybe he’ll get pneumonia and die slowly, since he made a fool of himself already. Who even keeps visiting their ex’s workplace, and even worse, miscalculating the shifts. Or maybe Minhyuk changed his schedule. Or maybe Hyungwon has started losing his sense of time. Kihyun’s eyes held only pity when Hyungwon walked up to the counter with only a pack of cigarettes, at 4am on a Saturday morning.

He feels the raindrops on his oily hair, sliding down his cheeks, blurring his vision as if his glasses weren’t dirty enough already. He thinks about finding shelter somewhere, at a dry place, and waiting until the rain stops. Or just stop altogether right there under the downpour. He thinks of a scenario in which someone finds him passed out in the morning and calls an ambulance. If he lives, he won’t have enough money to pay for the hospital bills. So he keeps walking.

It would be nice to listen to some music, but he left his phone at home. Probably out of battery for some days now. He doesn’t even remember the last time he checked his calls and messages and a wave of guilt washes over him. Hoseok is the only one who still checks on him. He must be worried. Hyungwon makes a mental note to contact him, although he knows he will already have forgotten about it by the time morning comes.

At some point it stops raining, Hyungwon already drenched to the bone, paddling the last mile to his apartment. The sky is shifting from a dark blue to a shy orange. Some years ago he would lift his head, smile and hold Minhyuk’s hand a little tighter. They loved watching the sunrise together and sleeping right after. But Minhyuk is not there anymore. Hyungwon doesn’t deserve Minhyuk to be anywhere near him anymore.

He draws his feet slowly, one after another, feeling way more tired than a twenty seven year old should be. At least he managed to go out of the house for the first time this week. It’s an accomplishment.

He presses his apartment’s password in and the door opens wide. It’s always the same, their anniversary date and he still hasn’t found the courage to change it. He hopes for some miracle, to open the door and find Minhyuk napping on the couch, or playing videogames or scrolling his phone eating cereal on the kitchen counter. Only the pile of laundry and smell of enclosure are there to greet him instead.

He sheds his damp clothes off, lets them fall right there on the floor and walks to his room, hoping to find something clean to wear. Some shorts and a hoodie are alright. The weather has gone hotter lately, but he gets cold easily. How could he not, when he was so used to sleeping with someone else beside him.

The blinds are pulled, effectively not letting any of the soft morning light inside the small space. The couch has crumbles from last night’s dinner and stains from the wine Hyungwon opened a week ago. But also the bed is unmade and there are no clean sheets left. He opts for the couch, lying uncomfortably, legs hanging out. Once it was perfect for two.

He constantly switches between periods of sleeping for half a day and those when he doesn’t sleep more than a couple hours. Being drowsy and crying himself back to sleep or irritable with the tiniest of things and void of any emotion. Must be the latter these days.

In a week or so, he’ll have to pay the rent. He’s never late for that and he mentally calculates the money he has left in his account. If he gets paid on time, which is what usually happens, it’ll be alright. One less thing to worry.

Finishing with an economics degree on top of his class, he always thought of doing bigger things. Working at some big company, climbing his way to the top, being respected and wearing expensive clothes. Having money to spend on luxuries. Having a boyfriend to enjoy these luxuries with.

Instead, after doing weird shifts at weird jobs all through and right after university, he settled for working from home. The survey company he works for, analyzing data, is nothing fancy, but it pays well enough and requires the minimum effort. He doesn’t need much more than his rent and occasional take out, or grocery shopping when he feels well enough for that.

He pulls his laptop on his lap, turns it on along with the tv which provides a white background noise. He has all his passwords and keys saved, so it takes less than two minutes to open the platform he works with. There are folders and squares and lines, data neatly organized. The only part of his life not falling apart yet.

He manages to work for a few hours on a couple of the new surveys, something about a political debate, smoking and weight gain and the exposition of children to unsupervised electronic devices. He doesn’t really care about the content, experienced hands and eyes working quickly to group the answers, make them presentable to be put into articles. Almost done and pleased with the amount of work and the fact that it distracted him enough to not smoke the whole pack he just got at once, he saves his progress and lets himself drift off to a heavy, dreamless sleep.

 

He wakes up a little disoriented, television still on but there’s also a foreign sound. He rubs his face with his palms and shouts an “I’m coming” in his hoarse and scratchy voice and the doorbell stops ringing.

Not bothering to try hiding the mess at his living room, or even taming his hair that has gotten way too long, Hyungwon opens the door and as expected, Hoseok is standing there, a small frown on his face and a couple bags on his hands.

“Hey” he steps in the living room and takes a look around.

Hyungwon, still half-asleep plops back down on the couch.

“Hello” he yawns and eyes one of the bags Hoseok is holding, with a familiar logo printed on it and he sniffs the air to make sure it’s what he thinks it is. Hoseok notices his eyes and gives him a smile.

“Of course, it’s for you.” He leaves it in front of Hyungwon and sits next to him on the couch.

“Thank you.” Hyungwon opens up the package, spots the cheap wooden chopsticks that come with it. Hoseok always brings him shrimps from the place down the street. It’s a bit on the expensive side, but also one of the few things that can make Hyungwon feel a little better.

Hoseok lets him eat and goes around the rooms. He puts the laundry in the washing machine and somehow finds cleans sheets for the bed and towels for the bathroom. He makes Hyungwon shift to clean the couch the best he can and vacuums until the place looks decent and inhibition friendly again.

“How is work going?” Hoseok sits again on an armchair, Hyungwon full and dozing off to some documentary.

“Like always. It’s okay. How’s your mum?”

Hoseok’s mum used to send cookies and homemade lunches, but ever since she broke her leg a couple months ago, combined with her old age, moving around is difficult. Hyungwon has been putting a visit to their household off for quite some time. Thankfully her son is always there to support her and help his dad at managing their family café.

“She’s doing much better actually! She can’t stand too much, but she’s lively, baking cakes and everything again. You can pass by whenever you want, she always keeps the best pieces for me and my friends.” Hyungwon was always invited to the café. It’s been a very long time since he last “passed by” though. He nods and offers Hoseok the rest of his side rice that he couldn’t finish.

The washing machine stops grunting and Hoseok sends Hyungwon to take a shower while he takes care of drying and folding some clothes. The warm water feels nice on Hyungwon’s skin and he questions himself for not showering more often. Like a functioning human with a normal stamina for his age.

Cleaning himself, the image of Hoseok’s mum gets gradually replaced by his own mother, always accompanied by his father and a brother being somewhere in the big picture too. He has lost contact with his parents, but he sometimes checks his brother’s social media accounts. He’s doing well, the travel agency too.

He has thought of returning home a lot of times. Of the benefits. His old room with the tall bookcases next to his father’s study. His mother cooking every day and a fridge always filled with food. Hanging out with his brother. Giving up his house and using the money spent on rent on therapy. Finding a second part time job at one of the seaside shops.

But then, he’s not sure his parents want him back into their lives. He’s not sure he’s welcome and not sure who was the one who stopped calling and visiting first. If they are still angry that being gay is not a phase and he’s not doing great things with his degree or working at the family business. He’s thankful for everything they provided for him while growing up, but he’s too tired to care about them now. He hears Hoseok asking if he needs clean clothes a moment before he barges into the bathroom holding clean underwear and a shirt and Hyungwon decides to leave the topic of his family for some other time. Or never.

Hoseok wraps him in a fluffy towel and guides him to the bedroom, to dry Hyungwon’s hair. When they are done, Hyungwon all freshly dressed and clean, Hoseok holds him in a tight hug and presses a kiss on his forehead. Words are not needed. Hyungwon will repay all this kindness, someday.

If Hoseok and Minhyuk didn’t exist, he would have ended his life a long time ago.

 

When Hoseok left, it was nighttime again, the worst time of the day. Everything was at place and Hyungwon wasn’t sleepy anymore. Minhyuk was always the liveliest around this hour, close to midnight and the early hours. Now it’s the time when Hyungwon misses him the most, goes through every detail of the six years they spend together over and over in his head.

He’s afraid he’ll forget. Minhyuk’s smile and his gentle hands and his favorite shirt. How loud he was when playing videogames and how quiet when Hyungwon made love to him. He doesn’t want to forget any part of Minhyuk, it would be like giving what little was left of his heart away.

Hyungwon lets himself lost in the memories, just like rolling a movie film.

 

They met at a college party, in the least romantic way possible. Hoseok had dragged Hyungwon there and he just needed some peace and quiet from all the bad music and people screaming in his ear. After a trip of opening and shutting doors to occupied rooms, Hyungwon found the bathroom and stepped inside, missing the lump of a person emptying his stomach on the toiled bowl.

The first time they met, Minhyuk was anything but smooth and attractive and yet, Hyungwon couldn’t bring himself to just let the stranger there. By the noon of the next day, the handsome stranger was leaving after having a shower, a little post it note with Hyungwon’s phone number into his pocket.

They started messaging each other, flirting a bit, exchanging photos and eventually hanging out together. Hyungwon studying and Minhyuk doodling on his textbooks at the back of the library, walking together to the dorms since they didn’t live that far from each other, meeting for lunch between classes and after all that, they had their first proper dinner date. Their first kiss under the flickering street lamp outside the dorm building.

Life kept moving forward, but they were still together against all odds. Hyungwon’s quiet character somehow fell just into place with Minhyuk’s loud and outgoing one. Some of their friends used to say they completed each other and Minhyuk would smile and pinch Hyungwon’s cheeks and kiss him on the lips mumbling “Of course we do.”

When Hyungwon graduated they moved in together, started working full time, settling into a domestic life as young adults. And they were, both Hyungwon likes to believe, still so much in love. He remembers Minhyuk’s eyes when he looked at him, holding so much adoration and love, poured into Hyungwon’s when their gazed met.

Their money was limited, even after Minhyuk got employed to the grocery store and was getting extra money for doing the night shifts, but their energy was at its peak. They traveled a bit, Jeju, Japan, Taiwan. Bought silly souvenirs for each other and took selfies, the newest trend back then.

 

They were so happy and then something went wrong. Hyungwon never understood what changed and it happened so slowly and unexpectedly that it was too bad already when they noticed. It started subtly, Hyungwon sleeping a little more, getting out of the house a little less. But there was nothing to worry about yet.

Until there was, because suddenly waking up was too difficult and he was never in the mood to go watch that movie with Minhyuk and he left his dirty socks all over the house. As long as he managed to work and earn money to pay their shared bills, Hyungwon was convincing himself he was alright.

“You should visit a doctor about it.” Minhyuk one night sat next to Hyungwon on the bed, dark circles under his eyes, voice tired “I can’t do this anymore, I can’t see you like this Hyungwon.”

“You mean to say I have some kind of sickness?” Hyungwon had raised his brow. He was going through a bad phase that was all.

“No, I just, I’m just saying I want you to feel better. For you and for me too. A psychologist, for me, as a favor.”

Hyungwon laughed mockingly at his words. And they fought.

And they kept fighting for months, until Hyungwon was too tired to say anything back and until Minhyuk’s patience completely run out.

Hyungwon woke up one morning and there was a suitcase in the living room. Minhyuk was waiting for him.

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m leaving. For now.” He had tears in his eyes. “I’ll stay with a friend. I need a break from us.” He got up and took his suitcase opening the door. “You, you have my phone, alright?” He left and Hyungwon was standing there, and the moment the door shut he knew. Not stopping Minhyuk that day, not even trying would be one of the biggest regrets of his life.

Minhyuk never came back and Hyungwon let himself gets lost, the negative thoughts and sadness becoming one with his very being, buried deep between his flesh and bones, taking over his mind.

 

It’s been more than a year. A year alone, stealing glances of Minhyuk at the convenience store and being babied by Hoseok. Smoking and letting himself starve until he can find the strength to get up and find what’s left at his cupboards.

A year since he threw all of their photos at the back of the closet and tried to burn the little blue velvet box he kept for Minhyuk. He never managed to do it, because somewhere deep down he still believed in a miracle. That they belonged together. That he would get his shit together and Minhyuk would come back to him.

They never broke up officially, it was only a pause. Minhyuk said so. Minhyuk who was on his right mind.

 

The days passed, one after the other and Hyungwon was losing sense of time and self. His finances were still tight. Or maybe he just didn’t like the idea of a therapist, even if he knew it was what he needed. He woke up, worked, skyped his boss sometimes, ate and repeated the same circle for weeks, Hoseok visiting even once in a while.

Minhyuk was still the first thought when he woke up and the last before going to sleep. He realized he wasn’t making any progress, so he pushed himself to change.

It started with small things. Opening the blinds to let some sun in. Walking to the corner café to get breakfast and coffee instead of ordering take out. Even if he was in his pajamas. Nobody judged him at 5.30 in the morning.

He wasn’t feeling happy, but he was feeling good. Like something was starting to shift again, making progress and moving forward and suddenly he found the spare money, and the courage, for the therapist.

It took months but at some point, it became easier again. He managed to sleep for six hours during the night for many consecutive days. He did his own laundry and changed clothes almost daily. The milk in his fridge wasn’t expired.

 

Nothing seemed wrong when the doorbell rang. Even if it was only one ring and it was early morning, when Hoseok should have been at work. Hyungwon was on his laptop, but he didn’t pay attention to any of it, letting the device aside and getting up, glasses low on the bridge of his nose.

He opened the door, expecting the familiar smell of shrimp and kimchi but instead, there was something else. A cologne he had almost forgot. A man who looked all the same and so different at the same time.

Minhyuk’s hair was back to its natural color and he had gained some healthy weight, cheeks full and frame filling his clothes well. Hyungwon stood there, gaping.

“Can I come in?” It’s been so long since he last heard that voice, all gentle and sweet and Hyungwon wants to start crying, but he just steps aside while Minhyuk enters and takes his shoes off.

Hyungwon had thought of calling so many times. But he was making progress. He wanted to wait a little more. To be able to show Minhyuk the best of him. But Minhyuk was there first.

“How have you been?” Minhyuk steps closer, Hyungwon takes a deep breath.

“Well. I’m doing well, lately.”

Hyungwon sits on a couch, legs suddenly too weak to support him and Minhyuk follows. Sits right next to him.

“Hoseok told me, that you are better. I’m glad.”

“Why are you here?” If it’s out of pity, then maybe Hyungwon will still take it.

“I wanted to see you.” Minhyuk’s palm comes to rest atop Hyungwon’s fingers and a shiver runs down his spine. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, so much.” Hyungwon is at the brim of tears and Minhyuk was always so good at reading him. Even after this long.

He hugs Hyungwon and lets him cry and talk and rubs little circles on his back and smiles into the crook of his neck and his shoulder, waiting for him to calm down.

“You know, not a day passed when I didn’t think about you. My decision was good, I cleared my mind and you, you seem better. But I wanted to come back so much.” Minhyuk pulls a bit back, looks around the room. “I am not in love like I used to when we were younger.” His hands cup Hyungwon’s cheeks, thumbs caressing. “But I am sure that I love you. And if you want it too, we can try again.”

“Try again?” Hyungwon leans more into the touch, until his head is resting on Minhyuk’s chest, the rhythmic up and down soothing to his nerves. He has so much to tell Minhyuk, but figures there is time. All the time of the world.

“You know, Hoseok’s mum always keeps the best pieces of cake for his friends. It’s a good place for a date, don’t you think?”

Hyungwon smiles, genuinely smiles and feels something. It’s so close to happiness.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you feel burdened in any way, please don't hesitate to talk and ask for help. <3
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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